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| These are some of my jokes | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Warm And Happy There was this little bird named Fred that was a bird that always puts things off to the last second he could do it. One winter he flew south so he would not get frozen. The only thing wrong was that winter came early then before. On his way south he froze and fell to the ground. On top of all this a cow crapped on him. But the crap was all warm and it deffrosted Fred. There he is, he is happy that he is alive so he starts to sing. Then a big hungry cat comes up and pushes the crap off the bird and eats him. The moral of the story is that everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy and everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend. If your warm and happy then you should keep your big mouth shut. The Genie Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Wow ! " said his friend, "where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks the genie for a million bucks, and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?" | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| these are some more funny jokes | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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June 20,99 Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk? The cow fell on her. June 20,99 A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink." June 21,99 My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw June 21,99 Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!" "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves. "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked. "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell. "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell. "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!" | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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June 22,99 | There are 4 people walking down the street, Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, an Elf, & an Honest Lawyer. They come across a 100 dollar bill. Who gets it? The elf, the rest are mythological creatures, who ever heard of an honest lawyer? June 22,99 dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??" "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!" June 22,99 "Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?" "What about your wife?" "Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me." "No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom." June 22,99 The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?" "Braille," she replied.
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